Day 1,2 & 3

*YIKES!! Just realized I forgot to publish this post....I wrote this last week on the 5th haha*

So I officially started the photo challenge yesterday. And I am totally reeled in!

The first task was all about reading the camera's manual....the thought of it felt like pulling teeth really. So after hunting the dreaded thing down, I grabbed the camera a notebook and a pen and set out for the task at hand. Let me tell you what.....she wasn't lying when she said there are treasures to unlock in that booklet.

I took THREE pages of notes!! On a cameral user manual!!! HAHA.

I always remember things much more clearly after writing them down so I jotted some notes, highlighted some of it, and underlined more. Every time I read about something I picked up my camera and tweaked with said setting. I was taking pictures of my coffee cup, my husband playing his video games. None of them really good BUT I could see the difference from picture to picture. I would giggle and get really excited with every nugget of info I learned and would excitedly pull Brett away from his game so he could see what I did. One thing that I learned (remember I'm new to this whole thing) is how to manually focus our lens. Neither of us knew we could do that and just that made a HUGE difference in the pictures I was taking. After an hour or so I was to the point where it was telling me how to upload photos onto my computer and I figured from there I could handle.....so I moved right on along to the next day which teaches about shutter speed. You can find it here.

I had picked up a few tips on shutter speed when I was reading the manual so this was a great follow up!  Her analogy to filling a cup with water was a great visual for me. So after reading the post I took the camera to the back yard where the dogs were hanging out and started snapping. Again I wasn't going for great shots just learning about controlling the shutter speed.

 Yikes! WAY WAY WAY over exposed :)

 Still a little too slow 

 Could totally use more light but I love her big smile in this one

 Happy Dodger!!

 This picture and the following clearly all the same seconds apart playing with the speed :)

So I forgot to mark the shutter speeds that I was using...oops

Until next time.

Remember Me?

I won't be offended if you don't. Not in the slightest. With all the craziness that the last six months of 2011 held for me I made a decision to put my blog on the back burner. Even though I started a blog to follow through the planning process.....whoops.

I've thought pretty hard about just deleting this thing and maybe never ever starting a new one. I mean really....I don't do awesome things with this like the title promises. But I have decided it's more for myself then informing the world of my awesomeness. It's a challenge to stay connected to myself, to make memories more permanent, and to have an emotional and creative outlet in a space that is mine (and visible to the world which creates an odd sense of accountability. So once again....I am resolving to write more. Well not really to write more necessarily but to connect more and writing on here is one way I can do it. Without going into a terribly dreadful woe is me story I will say that I struggle with attachment. This stems from things in my childhood and teen years....heck even in my adult years....that I went through and failed to completely heal from. It's not a rare struggle by any means, I have talked to many friends and family members that have the same kind of realizations.

So by me challenging myself to show up on my blog from time to time its forcing me attach to multiple things. To what I write about....to what I remember....and to the people I meet and friends I already know. So enough about that for now........

Today I am starting a lovely photo challenge. It's called 31 days to a better photo. I am not doing this to become a professional photographer, my desire is to simply be a better picture taker :) My husband owns a Nikon D40 and we don't use it to its full potential, and I want to change that. So I'm gonna give it a shot.......pictures create memories and memories allow me to attach get the theme ;) With that I'm gonna go get started, today requires me to read the manuals. Gag. But I have been promised that there are treasures to unlock in those pages and who am I to say otherwise. 

Til next time....which hopefully is BEFORE January 4 2013 :)

Ari

**UPDATE: I am having a blast reading the manual!!

I really should be better at this......

I mean seriously, what is the point of having a blog for it to lay use to nothing. Not even senseless ramble.

I have committed to writing more before and didn't stay true to that, I think it was a mock new years resolution. I should have known better. I don't really believe in those things, nothing good comes of them. You "resolve" to go to the gym and work out more, so you do for a week. Then life settles in, and two months later you have completely forgotten about your resolution. Until you remember, maybe because some pesky person decided to see if you stayed true to it, and then guilt settles in. Guilt and shame never lead me to the gym, or to put down the ice cream, or turn off garbage TV, in fact it drives me to them like a complete lunatic. 

In conclusion, I don't support the current format for New Year's Resolutions. Maybe we should resolve to do the opposite of what we really want to do and then the guilt and shame will drive us to be better people.

This is brilliant. I am seriously on to something. Or on something. 

I'll call them "un-resolutions"

He would understand.

That just leads me to remember how much I love Alice in Wonderland. The original, not the Johnny Depp one (many Alice loyalists were undone by the JD one. I didn't find it quite that bad but I certainly prefer the original cartoon) I love that movie a whole stinkin lot.

"The time has come the walrus said to speak of many things. Of shoes and ships and ceiling wax of cabbages and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot or weather pigs have wings"

That quote can also be found in Harriet the Spy. One of Rosie's finest works in my opinion. 

Now I'm off to see if Netflix instant has Alice in Wonderland. Or Harriet the Spy. But really, I prefer Alice.


**POST PUBLICATION UPDATE.....Alice in Wonderland the original cartoon is NOT available on NetFlix Instant. I REPEAT IT IS NOT AVAILABLE ON NETFLIX INSTANT. NetFlix....get your act together and get back to me. You have failed me....again

A Wakeboarding Adventure....

I awoke this past Monday morning with high hopes for a fabulous summer day. My dear friend Jorri and I had been planning an excursion to the cool lake on a day that would surely surpass 90 degrees. The morning came without flaw, the one meeting that would have held me back from going was cancelled, so I excitedly threw on a swim suit grabbed a towel and some sunscreen and hit the road. 

When I arrived the gang was in the middle of packing sandwiches and snacks, and I jumped right in. We packed up the cooler grabbed the boat key and away we went. I did have a photography meeting at 4:30 that afternoon so I cautiously took my own car, just to ensure I wouldn't be late.

I thought I was being quite responsible.

My anticipation for the cool waters grew as the thermometer read well over 80 at just 11:30 am. We arrived at the marina and began to lower the boat into the lake and the chatter soon turned to who would be first on the board and just how great the water felt. Jorri sat down to turn the boat on and something wasn't right.

"Uhm the key isn't turning over"

We were confused and thought she must not have it in all the way. Several tries, or many whichever, later we resolved to give Jorri's mom a call. A few tense minutes later Jorri returns only to inform us the key was from a boat they had sold 10 years ago.....and the real key was hidden...in an underwear drawer.

Really?

Jorri's sister, Kat, volunteered to drive the key up from Vacaville. We moved the boat on the other side of the dock and Jorri and I headed up to my car to wait, figuring it wouldn't be too much longer.

So we waited. And waited. And waited a little longer before we decided to make another call.

Turns out it was another unfortunate event. While Kat was driving up to the lake her car broke down...on the freeway. When it rains it pours right? So Donna, the girls mom, left their house to pick up Kat and deliver the key.

If ever there were signs to not go out, those would have been it. But we were determined.

The boat started immediately and we allowed the breeze and spray from the boat to cool us down. George was the first out on the board, followed by one of George's friend. Meanwhile Jorri and I snacked, one of our favorite pastimes. I decided my energy and courage was up high enough that I would be the next lucky contestant. I zipped up the life jacket slid into the boots and hopped in the water. 

The boat took off and my first attempt got me no where, but the next time I was up and going. I'm pretty much a novice with just some general athleticism, so when I decided it was time to learn how to get back into the wake I figured it wouldn't be so hard. I had one solid fail and one almost victory and I wanted to give it another go. 

This was going to be it, I was sure of it. 

I popped up, messed around for a bit headed out of the wake and prepared myself for what would most definitely be a success. Unfortunately it wasn't a success. In fact it was an epic fail.

On my way back into the wake my board "caught an edge" (At least that's what George told me and when I say it I sound like I know what I'm talking about) and essentially stopped me in my tracks. My feet pulled out of the boots and I was like superman flying through the air, except I fell. Hard. So hard in fact that I managed to chip my tooth. And by chip I mean I broke my right front tooth in half. 

When I lifted my head from the water the first thing I checked for was blood and in that process I felt something in my mouth so I spit it into my hands. I spit an entire chunk of tooth. I was horrified. 

Longer story and little shorter I went without an entire right front tooth for two days. I was so embarrassed. Add to that a body so sore that on Tuesday all I could do was lay on the couch to try and avoid the pain that seemed to radiate through my entire body.

Not quite the ideal summer day I was dreaming of when I woke up that fateful morning. 

I will say it could have been much much worse, and for that I am thankful. I am also so thankful for the amazing friends (especially Jorri on Monday) and my awesome fiancé who helped to take care of me when I was feeling pretty darn sorry for myself. I know have a real (fake) tooth that looks awesome!! Shout out to Dr. Wiley, my awesome dentist who was so nice its ridiculous and did a most incredible job making my tooth look perfect!!!!

And if you read all of that I will reward you with a photo......

And if you'd like a funny video watch it here

For those of you following me here....

I am beginning to blog through the wedding planning/creating process! Check it out over here!!

Love you guys!!

So Wrong.

So as a youth intern at Valley Church, I have been asked to begin giving messages. Yesterday was my first time teaching in front of the high schoolers. Talk about a learning experience, but an exciting one. The more I studied and prepped to minister to these high schoolers, the more the Lord really ministered to my heart. It was the coolest thing. The more I spent time studying the more truth seemed to be revealed to my heart. The Lord definitely breathed life into scripture I had never experienced before and I, in turn, was able to share those truths and excitement with the high schoolers.

When I was given my topics a few weeks ago I was a little disheartened. I was given three weeks to teach on three different subjects and to me, there seemed to be absolutely no cohesiveness between the topics and that bummed me out. I spend some initial time studying and praying before I began writing my lessons out, and in my prayer time I spoke to God about my concerns with the lesson topics. I asked that regardless of my apprehensions that He would speak through the scriptures and calm my nervousness, and man oh man did he do just that. Just when I thought the lessons couldn't be more distinctly different he wove scripture together and revealed to me how they led perfectly into one another. It seems every time I deal with my doubt by turning to God, he calms and answers prayers.

So my first weeks lesson is So Wrong (why does evil exist) my second week will be Still Strong (are Christians weak) and my last week will be on hypocrisy. I am most intimidated by my last week, but I am leaning on the Lord to continue to stir boldness in me. I thought that after each week I would post my write out for my talk, so without further ado here is the first week:

*****************************************************************

Cancer

Divorce

Murder

War

Disease

Drugs

This could be an endless list of evil things that have saturated the world we live in. There is no hope in these things, no promise of life renewed, no peace or rest of the weary. At the surface of the evil around us there is hardly even evidence of our God. A God who we know to be kind, loving, restoring, and just.

So why does evil exist? Why does God allow evil to exist and perpetuate? Why doesn't God step in and stop evil?

That is a hard question. A question I've wrestled with time and time again. When I was entering my senior year in high school I was, by all outward appearances, a strong Christian young woman. I wore t shirts from mission trips to school, I didn't hesitate to stand up for my faith in front of my peers, I volunteered my time for all sorts of worthy causes, but my heart was becoming filled with doubt. I was, and still am, the only believer in my immediate family. My childhood was riddled with all sorts of things you would never hope for a child, things like divorce abuse and abandonment. When I was in jr high, I was invited to church with a friend and I clung to the life it seemed to breath into my heart. But my foundation of Christianity was shaky from my younger years and I didn't have a home life with a family that would emulate what a strong Christian walk truly looks like, so my comprehension of my faith was shallow. Fast forward to being 16 and 17 and my home life still sucked. I was surrounded by addiction and negativity and suddenly my doubt turned to resentfulness. I found myself asking God why he wasn't doing "what I thought was right" "And why wasn't he giving me what I wanted" Talk about a shallow relationship with the Lord. I was pissed that he was allowing these evil things to continue to surround me. I figured that I should be "rewarded" for my so called commitment to him. Clearly I had several issues to work through with the Lord and mature believers around me, but at that time I pushed God away. I didn't see the difference in being surrounded by evil things with or without my relationship with Christ.

That was a scary time to live through and looking back I have learned that God had SO much to teach me but my resistance forced me to learn the hard way.

I want to readdress a question I opened with.

"Why does God allow evil to exist and perpetuate?"

There is a lot of blame in that question. But it is directed the wrong way. We need to figure out where evil comes from before we blame God. Romans 5:12 states that "When Adam sinned, sin entered the world. Adam's sin brought death, so death spread to everyone, for everyone sinned." One man. One sin. That was all it took to put humanity on the path for an evil and wicked existence.

Evil was not God's intentions for us. An existence separated from him was not what he created Adam and Eve for. God walked and talked with Adam and Eve. Gen. 3:8 says, "And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden."This verse indicates that Adam and Eve were not surprised to hear the voice of God. Instead they knew exactly who he was, and they were afraid because they had done wrong. They expected God to be walking with them in the garden. If Adam and Eve had not sinned, they could have remained in this close relationship with God forever. But, when they chose to disobey God and eat of the forbidden fruit, they were expelled from the garden. The close relationship between God and man was broken. From this point on, humanity proved over and over that we are not capable of keeping away from sin and walking with God in this close relationship. After the fall as Adam and Eve began to populate the world evil continued to spread. Our sin nature had been put into place. Evil and sin spread so quickly that it only took 950 years before God used the great flood and Noah to start again. God's creation needed a Savior to take away his sins so the close relationship with God could be reestablished. Jesus is the answer, and the church is to be the spiritual paradise he has prepared in which Christians can live and walk with God while on this earth.

So who is responsible for the world's evil? Why?

The Bible says Adam is responsible for the start of evil. Even if that's hard for you or your non Christian friends to swallow you still have to reckon with the truth: Each one of us is undeniably responsible for its spread.

But not only was sin not the intention for humanity, it was not God's intention for ANY OF CREATION. Not the animals not plants not even inanimate objects. Romans 8:20 says "Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse." So not only does our sin wreak havoc on humanity but the spread of evil reaches all ends of the earth. Nothing is as it was created to be, because of evil.

This really sunk in a few weeks ago for me when I was in yosemite with some of the leaders and other young adults and we were standing in awe taking in the beauty of God's creation. And as we were sitting around the campfire on saturday night Michael says, "How crazy is it that Yosemite is so incredibly beautiful we can hardly comprehend what that says about God's majesty, BUT it is not even a sliver of how beautiful God intended the earth to be." Nothing is safe or exempt from the destruction of sin. Romans 8:21 goes on to say, "But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay."

The decay of this world and the disasters that worsen the decay of this world are all a result of sin. Creation suffers. The earth suffers because of evil. Natural disasters are not God's will, they are the result of sin. Earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados, tsunamis are not the work of God. And these things are happening all around us. The earthquake and tsunami that just destroyed parts of Japan and thousands of lives, and just this week the tornado that tore apart Joplin Missouri created so much devastation for both humanity and creation. And these happenings are being explained as "signs from God" that the end times are nearing. That it is God's "sovereign will" for these events to occur. And my heart aches when I hear Christians preaching these messages. Where is the compassion for the wounded in those statements? We are called to mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. Where is the mourning there? Has the Lord given prophecies regarding the end times, absolutely. But we need to realize that these occurrences take place, not because God sits in the clouds like we imagine Zeus would and sends down lightening bolts, but because the sinfulness of man is becoming more and more present. James 1:13 says "God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else." The creator of the earth is not going to purposefully destroy it. The infection of sin runs so deep that it is destroying the earth not God. Now don't get me wrong, God absolutely uses everything to his glory, and his glory is revealed in that he knew our sin would amount to this destruction so he sent us prophecies to warn us of the progression of our sin nature and more importantly he sent his son to save us and answer for our sin!

So why doesn't God step in and stop evil, even when we accept that we are to blame for the world's trouble? The fact is, he did. Even when human beings hated God, he sent Jesus to win forgiveness and new life for us-a far better alternative then taking away our freedom to choose or snuffing us out altogether. Romans 5:17 tells us we TRIUMPH over sin and death. "For this sin of one man, Adam, caused the death of many. But even greater is God's wonderful grace and his gift of righteousness for all who receive it will live in triumph over sin and death." At the cross Jesus struck a fatal blow to Satan and the forces of evil, but it's up to us to choose to participate in his plan. Colossians 2:14-15 explains, "He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross."

But it get's better!! Not only did God send his son Jesus to die for us and answer for the evil we have created, when Jesus ascended to Heaven God sent the Holy Spirit to fill the earth and the hearts of the believers. 2 Corinthians 4: 7 tells us we are given a treasure in a jar of clay. Our bodies are the fragile jar of clay but the treasure inside of our bodies as believers is the unstoppable force of the Holy Spirit. God has given us the Holy Spirit to strengthen and equip us! When filled with the Holy Spirit we are force to reckoned with. The evil we have created can be defeated through the power of Christ. How else could the Kingdom of Heaven advance?! Matthew 11:12 says exactly that, "And from the time John the Baptist began preaching until now, the Kingdom of Heaven has been forcefully advancing, and violent people are attacking it." This gives us so much power over evil! The Lord saw past our wickedness and loved us enough to sacrifice his son and equip us for a battle for the kingdom. I know this can be a grandiose thought and overwhelming and you might be thinking things like,

"How could I stop war?"

"Or cure aids?"

"How do I rescue children who have been abused?"

With the power of God are those things possible? YES. But there are also so many more realistic battles that we can fight with the Holy Spirit. Are you harnessing the power of the Holy Spirit to fight the injustices around you? I'm talking in your social circles just at home and in school? I know that there are many situations in my life that have happened and I have passively observed as an in justice occurred. That is not what we are called to do. Violent people are attacking the kingdom. Not just physically beating it up but emotionally and spiritually trying to tear it down. This is our call to arms in the battle against evil and we all need to choose to be part of Gods work. If we are not participating in the advancement then we are contributing to the attacks

Your voice never left. I begged you to leave. To let the silence swallow me whole.

But you stayed. Haunting me, your voice clung to the darkness.

I hated you. You broke me.

Super Yummy and Super Easy Pistachio-Chai Muffins

Ingredients:

1 3/4 c flour

1/2 c packed brown sugar

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

2 chai blend tea bags, opened

1 c lowfat buttermilk**

1/4c butter, melted

1 1/2 teaspoon vanilla, divided

1 large egg, beaten

1/3 c shelled dry roasted pistachios, chopped

1/2 c powdered sugar

1 tablespoon water

• Preheat oven to 375
• Combine first five ingredients, through salt
• Mix in tea
• In a sperate bowl combine buttermilk melted butter egg and 1 tsp vanilla
• Add wet mixture to dry ingredients
• Scoop mixture into prepped muffin cups sprinkle nuts evenly over batter
• Bake for 15-20 minutes or until a wooden tooth pick inserted in the middle comes out dry
• Combine remaining 1/2 tsp of vanilla powdered sugar and water, stir until smooth and drizzle over cooled muffins

Makes 12

** I didn't have buttermilk when I made these but was too lazy to go to the store. So to substitute true buttermilk, I added 1 tablespoon of lemon juice to 1 cup of milk and let it sit for ten minutes before adding. It will curdle a little bit so make sure you mix it before adding to the other ingredients!

For some reason I couldn't add these pictures to my last post....

This is made out of an old fence post and some block letters. I'm contemplating adding some knobs on both sides of the word love and it would double as cute wall art and a jewelry/key/coat rack...whichever suits your fancy. I may also do one with just knobs across it.

This another party decoration. And I am getting ready to do my first cloth one. How cute would it be above a new baby's crib? Or really for any occasion! This could be done with an endless amount of colors or printed fabrics.

Still some more items to come :) just have to get around to taking the pictures

Some of my stuff....

So these are a few of the items I've done in the past couple of months. I've been working more and more at knitting and crocheting and I've got a few pieces I'm working on that I think are super cute!! They're light weight head wraps which are perfect for warmer weather days.

I've also got a few more vintage-y items that I've put together I just haven't photographed them yet!

**Please excuse the not so perfect pictures...I am no professional photographer!!**

This is an endless braid headband. I can do it with multiple colors (up to 4) or just a solid one. I also have a thinner one just not pictured that is super cute and great for the summer as well.

I absolutely love how this headband came out!! It is nice a thick in the front and tapers to the back with a button closure.

I'm just about finished with a tinier version of this beanie for a soon to be born baby boy. The bigger one is for the older cousin :)

I made the next few items for Brett's surprise birthday party but I could easily make similar ones for a girl, wedding, bachelorette party you name it!

This is made from vintage type stamps...again endless possibilities! They're pretty small but a cute personal touch that you could add anywhere :)

The 'staches were also for Brett's party. I did a photobooth set up and these were quite the hit!

Round 2 coming soon :)

Feelin A Little Inspired....

So I'm toying with an idea. One I've had for awhile.....

Selling some of the stuff I make online. I'm only a little weary of the idea because I don't want to feel like I'm just jumping on the bandwagon.

That's not a dig at my friends who have recently embarked on a similar venture...they're stuff is really good and totally worth the time and money!! I just worry that maybe my stuff isn't good enough or maybe I'm just a day late and a dollar short.

Audrey recently suggested that I sell some of my stuff she even came up with a cutesy name that I can already envision label designs for. I'm going to post a little later with pictures of items that I've done for either myself or a friend that would be similar to what I would be doing.

Just something to think about I guess....

My Heart is SO Happy Tonight

So, I shared a pretty big chunk of my testimony tonight with the girls in the core study. Maybe I should back pedal for just a second...

With the highschool girls we are reading Every Young Woman's Battle. It is an incredible book that gets very real with issues so many young woman struggle with and either feel absolutely alone or so ashamed that they never open up. These issues are often burdens they carry for a long time and Satan uses these as tools to lead girls astray and causes them to doubt our Savior. Filled with personal stories and unabashedly approaching stories that many shy away from, the authors break down barriers that can literally save a girls life. I am so excited to continue to see how hearts are changed and watch these girls get drenched in the love of the Holy Spirit and the true redemption that comes along with it.

Back to where I started. I shared a large portion of my testimony with the girls and leaders that were there tonight. A story for me that is emotionally draining to tell. Each time I speak about it I am brought back to moments and feelings of pain loneliness depression and shame that are still very real today.

In fact when I first started opening up with my testimony earlier this year, I would often spiral into a brief depression very shortly after sharing. The wounds that are very real to this day can still be easily infected with Satan's poison if I don't continue to apply the healing creme of God's Word. Eventually I continued to heal through telling my story and the depression began to lessen. It was still a feat to get through without tears in the middle of speaking and almost always followed by a complete breakdown immediately after.

The reason I tell you this is because tonight, I got through the story without tears and even several hours later there isn't one tear drop to speak of. Instead my heart is filled with the joy of the healing power of Christ! I was moved to tears a few times this week as God really laid on my heart that it was time to share more openly with the girls, but even then the tears were those of recognition of my ability to be strong in my weakness and how humbled I am that God would use a sinner like me to hopefully speak to young women that could be hurting like I was. I continue to be so encouraged by my sisters in Christ, both big and little. I wouldn't be able to continue to grow and heal without both God and the amazing community of believers around me.

I am so humbled by the continual grace and mercy that the Lord has poured into my life. And the amazing restoration He has worked through my heart. I no longer have to be identified by my sin because I am a daughter of THE KING. The maker of the universe loves me and died for me so that He can be glorified through my flesh.

“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." Galatians 2:20

PRAISE THE LORD!!

You Know Your life Is Exciting Pt 2....

When.......

The most exciting thing to happen at work is a new coffee set up.

And its good coffe.

PRAISE THE LORD.

Our owner makes coffee that more closely resembles mud.

At least now its good tasting mud.

Today.

Today I:
Decided I really don't like white bread. {Mostly because of the way it sticks to my teeth.}

Stepped in giant puddle because I wasn't watching where I was walking. {I used to only look down when I walked but someone once told me I'd miss my entire life if I walked with my head down. So I guess I'll just need a pair of good rain boots then.}

Voted against putting my fruit in the fridge. {Room temperature is just more enjoyable.}

Read some James.

Read some Numbers.
Decided both have far too much relevance to my life to ignore them.{Dang it}

Realized that when you pray for God to test and and grow your patience He will. {Dang it!!}

Prayed for faith that looks like Elijahs.
{Maybe even kinda sorta looks like it, would do me some good}

Realized that meant more patience. {Dang it!!!}

Am thankful for my beautiful friends. {See photographic evidence below}

All the girls at RPM!

Wedding dress shopping!!

The New Years Crew!

Candice Bren and Me

Thanks boys!!

Happy Bday Kevin!!

The girls and Kev

Fab 4!!

In Tahoe with HS Group

Race Night!

In SF with Leah and Candice

Enjoying our yummy food!

Mel and Me and our awesome cake!

Leah and me @ Superbowl!

Oh to be 12 again...

Junior high was awful for me. It's a rare time in my life that I have no desire to revisit, just looking at pictures make me cringe. My arms and legs seemed out of proportion with the rest of my body, my hair never looked clean regardless if I had just washed it, my neck was too long, and I had no sense of fashion. But the fashion thing never bothered me. When I moved in with my mom the summer before seventh grade, I went through some serious life changes.

I had lived with my dad and step mom, Rebecca, where I was very unhappy for about five years. I was far from Rebecca's favorite child, and she was never shy to express it. My younger brother had moved out almost two years before when I finally decided it was time for me to move as well. I went from a very comfortable (financial wise) lifestyle, to a pretty poor family. But there was more love then I had ever recieved and I was happy, so to me not much else mattered. My back to school wardrobe was not huge and a lot of it came from Goodwill, but again, it was no sweat off my back. I did, however, get one outfit from Gap. They were these super cute capris with a matching tank top and man oh man did I feel cool in it!

When school started I had zero friends. I am a very outspoken and outgoing girl now, but 12 year old me was much more timid. I wasn't afraid to speak inside the class room, but outside of that I was painfully shy. So, I spent most mornings and lunches by myself. Slowly but surely I had a few friends, two other girls that were new as well. The new girls were far from accepting, and I was too shy to attempt it. My old school was small and everyone was really close. I don't ever remember making fun of anyone (in a mean spirited way) or being made fun of, so this enviroment was new and uncomfortable to me.

Now, back to my super cute Gap outfit. With my small wardrobe selection, most of my outfits were on a one to MAYBE two week rotation. My favorite seemed to make a weekly appearance though, it was a self esteem boost in a time I desperatly needed it. I figured as long as the clothes were clean, how bad could it be? Until one day.

...

I was standing in line for pizza, rockin my teal Gap capris, thinking it had been a fairly good day. A girl from the "cool group" came up to me and said...

"Do you wear that like everyday?"

Blank stare.

"Well that's really gross."

...

And just like that my world was brought down around me. My insecurities shot through the roof. I had anxiety attacks getting dressed in the morning. I would save up ALL of my allowance to buy clothes, I would ask my mom for items that I knew were way beyond our budget, but I didn't care.

I needed them. I wasn't worth anything if I didn't have them.

It's taken years to overcome those insecurities, and I still catch myself every now and again falling into those behaviors. If it wasn't for the love of Jesus, I don't know that I could have ever overcome those insecurities. It took one comment from a girl whose name I can't even remember now, for me to lose sight of what mattered and place my value in something as shallow as what I wore.

As Christians we are told to put our value in Christ! To store our treasures in heaven! Not on things of this word.

"Since, then, you have been raised in Christ, set your hearts on things above. Where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on things of the earth." Colossians 3:1-2

This was the memory verse of the month for the high school kids I work with, and it has been a heavy thought on my heart. Kids are so easily dragged into false hope and idols, and Christ is thrown out of their hearts. And sadly those habits don't die easy, we carry them into our adult lives. We need to place our value in Him. And we need to teach that to the children, who, at the moment can't see the bigger picture. Where do you place your value? What worldly things stand in your way of a closer relationship with Christ? Get honest and beg the Lord to remove those things from your heart.

God bless you.

Today I really relate to Eve. Wanting to believe that by covering myself I'm pleasing God. That people around me can't see the brokeness through my, at times, contrived smiles. I'm finding it harder to hide. Knowing God is pulling my heart. Knowing He has brought people alongside to love me and hold my hand. I know that I am not alone, and in that its harder. I know that Grace is poured over me like an unending waterfall. And in that its easier.

Oh Praise the One Who Paid My Debt

The Lord has layed a heavy burden on my chest. One that I am called to raise up in arms with Him, so that He can be glorified.

I have a story to share. One that my heart breaks for and one that I have yet to be honest in. I am totally depraved and I know the only way for God to continue His mending in my life is to share my story. I want my life to glorify God. Yet I have done a terrible job truly seeking that purpose. But I am forever changed by His unending love. My mistakes and hurts are nothing to be ashamed of now that I walk in His light.

My prayer is for courage. That I seek His face in times that my worldly heart cries to run. That I fall on my knees humbled by His majesty. I am but a broken vessel. Yet He loves me.

Please pray for me.

Some Monday Morning Hope

"The Lord will either calm your storm...or allow it to rage while He calms you."

♥

Yep, that is exactly the thought I need to start my week. God bless you.

I'm Craving....

Just add a rainy day. And some beautiful music.

My Resolution

So I have been mostly absent from my blog for a little while for several reasons:

1. Lack of time (dedication to setting aside the time really).

2. Writing hurts sometimes.

I love to write, but I also hate it. It tends to be the easiest way for me to be honest with myself and others. I have a difficult time faking it when I write. I have to be vunerable when I write. Even now my heart is beating a little faster and the steadiness from my hands is gone knowing that I will have to be honest. When I speak I can hide. My words can mask what my heart cries. It's a skill I've mastered. It is a terrible and deceiful trick. One the Lord has called me to unlearn.

Colossians 3:9 - Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices.

Leviticus 19:35 - Do not use dishonest standards when measuring length, weight or quantity.

Not only has He called me to unlearn it, He provided the tools to do so. I have been blessed with amazing friends. Godly men and women that love and care about me, ones that I care about. And I have learned to hide from even them with my words. We are called to be honest"when measuring length, weight or quantity." For me I know this is in regards to my heart and my life. I am quick to respond that everything is fine, that I am doing great. When I am not. My friends should be my source of accountability. Especially the girls in my life. But how can they hold me accountable when I am not honest with them. How can they comfort if they don't know I am hurting. How can I expect them to rely on me, if I don't rely on them. By not sharing what is on my heart, I am cheating not only myself but my friends out of an honest friendship.

So I have made a new years resolution, well two really. To be more honest. And to be more intentional with my relationships. Especially my relationship with Jesus. I cannot improve imperfect relationships if I am not commited to the one perfect being in my life. He knows me well enough to know that without His guidance, I would continue to be lost. And I know that. Colossians 3:10 goes on to say "and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." I cannot continue to be dishonest and be in Christ. I know this will be painful at times. But I also know for Jesus to be present in my life, for Him to continue to grow me, I must let go of my selfish ambitions. Hiding will only stunt my growth. There is no hiding from God, "Can anyone hide himself in secret places, so I shall not see him?” says the Lord; Do I not fill heaven and earth says the Lord.” Jeremiah 23:24. I am the only one who suffers in my hiding. I am the one who seperates myself from Him with my actions.

Isaiah 1:16-17 tells us just what to do instead, "wash and make yourselves clean. Take your evil deeds out of my sight! Stop doing wrong, learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow." I pray that this becomes the cry of my heart. That I allow God's love to overflow in my life. That I am aware of the never ending joy through my Saviour Jesus Christ. That in all of this, I find no place to hide.

I pray this for you as well.