So I have been mostly absent from my blog for a little while for several reasons:
1. Lack of time (dedication to setting aside the time really).
2. Writing hurts sometimes.
I love to write, but I also hate it. It tends to be the easiest way for me to be honest with myself and others. I have a difficult time faking it when I write. I have to be vunerable when I write. Even now my heart is beating a little faster and the steadiness from my hands is gone knowing that I will have to be honest. When I speak I can hide. My words can mask what my heart cries. It's a skill I've mastered. It is a terrible and deceiful trick. One the Lord has called me to unlearn.
Colossians 3:9 - Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices.
Leviticus 19:35 - Do not use dishonest standards when measuring length, weight or quantity.
Not only has He called me to unlearn it, He provided the tools to do so. I have been blessed with amazing friends. Godly men and women that love and care about me, ones that I care about. And I have learned to hide from even them with my words. We are called to be honest"when measuring length, weight or quantity." For me I know this is in regards to my heart and my life. I am quick to respond that everything is fine, that I am doing great. When I am not. My friends should be my source of accountability. Especially the girls in my life. But how can they hold me accountable when I am not honest with them. How can they comfort if they don't know I am hurting. How can I expect them to rely on me, if I don't rely on them. By not sharing what is on my heart, I am cheating not only myself but my friends out of an honest friendship.
So I have made a new years resolution, well two really. To be more honest. And to be more intentional with my relationships. Especially my relationship with Jesus. I cannot improve imperfect relationships if I am not commited to the one perfect being in my life. He knows me well enough to know that without His guidance, I would continue to be lost. And I know that. Colossians 3:10 goes on to say "and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." I cannot continue to be dishonest and be in Christ. I know this will be painful at times. But I also know for Jesus to be present in my life, for Him to continue to grow me, I must let go of my selfish ambitions. Hiding will only stunt my growth. There is no hiding from God, "Can anyone hide himself in secret places, so I shall not see him?” says the Lord; Do I not fill heaven and earth says the Lord.” Jeremiah 23:24. I am the only one who suffers in my hiding. I am the one who seperates myself from Him with my actions.
Isaiah 1:16-17 tells us just what to do instead, "wash and make yourselves clean. Take your evil deeds out of my sight! Stop doing wrong, learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow." I pray that this becomes the cry of my heart. That I allow God's love to overflow in my life. That I am aware of the never ending joy through my Saviour Jesus Christ. That in all of this, I find no place to hide.
I pray this for you as well.